Day 27 (February 13th) Uncomfortably Not Numb Anymore (Onset of Anger- Round 1)

 So... if you are in the midst of your first month post-affair knowledge, you are probably super sad, but also.. still numb and foggy.  I am sharing this journal entry because it shows the beginnings of emerging from that state and entering the state of being completely jacked up and raw. I am looking back on this nearly a year later,  and you can take comfort in the fact that I am SO MUCH BETTER now!  In fact, I'm planning on posting an Apocalypsiversary post later today.

Holy shit!  I had to go to the office today for a meeting and wanted to lock eyes with CM so badly (She is finally back at work🙄)!!  I wasn't sure if I could control myself, but I didn't care... at all.  I don't care much at all anymore about my reputation or safety or what's right anymore.  Fuck it.. all! Seriously.  I found out this morning that she's been talking shit at the office to anyone that will listen.  I really want to kick her ass now.  She doesn't think she's caused enough damage??? WTF!?!!? J let his successor know that I was coming in hot, and he sent her home before I came to the office.  I can't decide if I appreciate it or not.  I know CK feels like he did the right thing, and he did the right thing for the system (which is his job now instead of J's).  I'm sad about that loss, too.  How could he be so into someone else, like I am worthless?  I vacillate between feeling worthless and feeling too good for this shit.  I go back and forth between hope for better than ever love with J and wanting to die.  It's probably 50/50.  I'm not as strong as people who love me think; I'm teetering on giving up constantly.  The energy it takes to function is tremendous. I'm sure J feels similar to this, too.  That bitch whore needs to shut her mouth.  

Some really good stuff happened today, too. I am proud of my part in securing a great curriculum for the district for the next 6 years, and God's timing was also perfect in having us sit down with another couple who ministered to us through their own infidelity story from many years ago. This gives me hope, but this happened to them early in their marriage, not after 25 years.  What does that say about our marriage/ relationship that 25 years later I'm not enough, or J's job wasn't enough?  How could he connect and/ or lead someone else on this much after this much time?

What was real?
How can I still want/ need him? What do I expect?  Is he capable of truly loving me?  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The rest of first week Post-Apocalypse

 Day three brought the 2 Timothy tattoo I had been considering for years because: I need to see those words constantly and I wanted something other than my heart to hurt. I went straight from the tattoo shop to the board attorney's office to meet J and the board.  I was hopeful that they would find a way to let J finish, so we didn't have to add financial instability to our list of issues.  I felt bad for them as they tearfully asked for J's resignation then prayed over us.  J expected this to be the only option; I, however, felt it as another unexpected blow.  We had our 1st counseling session, and it seemed helpful. Day 4- J had to give his resignation by 5:00.  I went to school and gave the kids a good day of learning while J met individually with all supervisors and explained honestly why he needed to resign. Miss thing (affair ho) wasn't able to drag her ass to work, poor baby.  I was still numb and just wanted to support him.  Thankful for t...
Read more

Day 61 (3/18/20). Rage Against the Dark

 Journal entry: Two months have gone by since life apocalypse. I think I have healed quite a bit, but J is frustrated and dissatisfied w/ our progress.  This shit has been a classic mid-life crisis affair, watch porn, have sex with an employee, lose your freaking mind... The only difference from the "average" mid-life affair is that, apparently, he really never developed feelings for her, even though his words and actions obviously made her think he did.  Maybe I'm no different.  This makes me question him as a person and wonder if all he ever does is go through the motions with me, too.  I am struggling with anger right now.  I want to hurt/ destroy CM in every way possible, physically and mentally.  I know that isn't right, and I am turning to the Bible to try and keep the fruits of the spirit, rather than the sin of my flesh.  The need for revenge is huge right now.  It would be easy to get revenge against J by just having sex with someone...
Read more