Fragile Like a Bomb (& a Flower)

 So... if you are in the midst of your first month post-affair knowledge, you are probably super sad, but also.. still numb and foggy.  I am sharing this journal entry because it shows the beginnings of emerging from that state and entering the state of being completely jacked up and raw. I am looking back on this nearly a year later,  and you can take comfort in the fact that I am SO MUCH BETTER now!  In fact, I'm planning on posting an Apocalypsiversary post later today. Holy shit!  I had to go to the office today for a meeting and wanted to lock eyes with CM so badly (She is finally back at work🙄)!!  I wasn't sure if I could control myself, but I didn't care... at all.  I don't care much at all anymore about my reputation or safety or what's right anymore.  Fuck it.. all! Seriously.  I found out this morning that she's been talking shit at the office to anyone that will listen.  I really want to kick her ass now.  She doesn't th...

 Today started out with a much-needed honest conversation with J about how I feel and what I need.  Thankfully, he listened earnestly and provided much-needed support.  He finally read over my notes/ annotations in the healing book from Cindy Beall, and something about that brought me peace and a feeling that he does care.  He wasn't surprised by anything he read.  This simple act helped support his words with action, and we had a beautiful rest of the day absorbing all we could get of each other.  I finally had enough energy and motivation to begin really cleaning the house since before the apocalypse.  As we end the day thanking God in prayer, I feel so VERY hopeful that we will not just remain together, but become so much stronger as a couple.   I know that nighttime brings so much pain and angst as I try to sleep, but my feeling right now is huge contentment and gratitude for today's gift of drinking in J's face and hands, making love th...

 DAY 18- I didn't take Lunesta last night.  We had experienced a great couple of days, and I thought I would be able to sleep cozied up with J.  Geez... couldn't fall asleep until 3:30 am and then had a nightmare 1st (about Valentines Day) followed by VERY distinct accurate pictures and clips of J and Cayce's actions and conversations.  I obsessed all day during day 18 trying not to ask J to confirm what I saw.  The more I obsessed the more I drank wine, trying to get rid of it that evening.  When I came home, and he was already drinking whiskey (one of the contributors to the affair), I thought "to hell with it... I'll drink too" even though I know it is a bad choice.  I really only meant to drink 2 (that is okay), but I went to 3 (too many).  So... by the time I couldn't fight the questions back down, I was drunk.  The questions piss him off anyway, so when you add drunkenness to it, he answered but scolded me for drinking.  I get it; ...

 The 2nd week was MUCH HARDER .  God allowed some of the numbness to wear off, and man did it hurt!!!!!  The questions this week center on specifics and images I see.  J seems irritated that I need to ask these questions.  He thinks all it can do is hurt me worse, and it does HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!! But... he doesn't know what the imagining and scene-playing in my head do to me, too.  YES... the confirmation of how accurate my imagination is (duh... due to 25 yrs of experience with J) sends me spiraling every time, but I can't sew up the wound without digging out all the shrapnel.  I will just pay for it with my life later when it festers and kills me completely.  This happened to a smaller extent with the B experience.  The 2nd week also brought clove cigarettes to help lower the stress and give a tiny head buzz that kills some of the obsession. I still am just continuing to breathe and take one day at a time.  I'm disappointed in my inst...