Fragile Like a Bomb (& a Flower)

 We made it!   I was so dreading this day- afraid I would relive that awful, shocking, earth-shattering day- but that wasn't how it went at all. We took a long weekend trip to the beach and just relaxed together and reclaimed these dates for our marriage.  We went to The Melting Pot in Destin, and it was as great as any anniversary.   I was afraid the 16th (and my daddy's birthday) would drag me back to thinking about being their last time together this year and forever, but I'm OK!! :) I did think of it some, but not graphically or obsessively.  I just enjoyed the weekend with my husband and appreciate our blessings.  I think he appreciates our life together more than ever, too.  The more I read about the mid-life crisis thing, the more spot-on it seems.  It doesn't make it okay, but id does make it somewhat easier to understand and have hope that it won't happen again.  Questioning my sense of reality and his nature obsessively wa...

Today is day 313 post- life apocalypse and our first wedding anniversary post-infidelity (#26). I'm not sure how I feel; I keep waffling back and forth from being thankful to make it through the last 10 months together and feeling sick that I was so ignorant of what was going on a year ago when I was way too proud of our 25th anniversary.  Below is my Facebook post from this day last year.               Maybe this is completely ridiculous, but I still feel that way. We are still best friends, and this year has brought nothing if not relying on and yielding to God.  Clearly, I am still wielding my forgiveness super power, also.   Many times in the last 10 months, he has needed to dig down and bring me back from the brink of complete despondency.  I have wanted to die during this past year because I'm a baby who never expected to experience this soul-rocking, devastating event in our marriage. Our marriage was the one thing I did...

 I decided to start my first blog post with my current journal entry (~9 months post-affair revelation and about 1 year from the start of my husband's affair). Then I will go back and share my past journal entries as I have time. If you are like me, you are currently scouring the internet to find literally anyone else's experience with infidelity as you try and make sense of your own recent trauma.  This is even harder if you refuse to just pack yourself or your husband up and end things. I suggest you read my background page, if you can take all the TMI, so that these blog posts make more sense to you.   I feel like I also need to say every time that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all to me... I am committed to being raw, authentic, and as entirely stupid as I want to be; you don't have to read this. Saturday, 10/31/20 Had a great week, overall.  Got to see my [former work] people Wednesday when I went home- scratch that, to [form...

 Journal entry: Two months have gone by since life apocalypse. I think I have healed quite a bit, but J is frustrated and dissatisfied w/ our progress.  This shit has been a classic mid-life crisis affair, watch porn, have sex with an employee, lose your freaking mind... The only difference from the "average" mid-life affair is that, apparently, he really never developed feelings for her, even though his words and actions obviously made her think he did.  Maybe I'm no different.  This makes me question him as a person and wonder if all he ever does is go through the motions with me, too.  I am struggling with anger right now.  I want to hurt/ destroy CM in every way possible, physically and mentally.  I know that isn't right, and I am turning to the Bible to try and keep the fruits of the spirit, rather than the sin of my flesh.  The need for revenge is huge right now.  It would be easy to get revenge against J by just having sex with someone...

 So... if you are in the midst of your first month post-affair knowledge, you are probably super sad, but also.. still numb and foggy.  I am sharing this journal entry because it shows the beginnings of emerging from that state and entering the state of being completely jacked up and raw. I am looking back on this nearly a year later,  and you can take comfort in the fact that I am SO MUCH BETTER now!  In fact, I'm planning on posting an Apocalypsiversary post later today. Holy shit!  I had to go to the office today for a meeting and wanted to lock eyes with CM so badly (She is finally back at work🙄)!!  I wasn't sure if I could control myself, but I didn't care... at all.  I don't care much at all anymore about my reputation or safety or what's right anymore.  Fuck it.. all! Seriously.  I found out this morning that she's been talking shit at the office to anyone that will listen.  I really want to kick her ass now.  She doesn't th...

 Today started out with a much-needed honest conversation with J about how I feel and what I need.  Thankfully, he listened earnestly and provided much-needed support.  He finally read over my notes/ annotations in the healing book from Cindy Beall, and something about that brought me peace and a feeling that he does care.  He wasn't surprised by anything he read.  This simple act helped support his words with action, and we had a beautiful rest of the day absorbing all we could get of each other.  I finally had enough energy and motivation to begin really cleaning the house since before the apocalypse.  As we end the day thanking God in prayer, I feel so VERY hopeful that we will not just remain together, but become so much stronger as a couple.   I know that nighttime brings so much pain and angst as I try to sleep, but my feeling right now is huge contentment and gratitude for today's gift of drinking in J's face and hands, making love th...

 DAY 18- I didn't take Lunesta last night.  We had experienced a great couple of days, and I thought I would be able to sleep cozied up with J.  Geez... couldn't fall asleep until 3:30 am and then had a nightmare 1st (about Valentines Day) followed by VERY distinct accurate pictures and clips of J and Cayce's actions and conversations.  I obsessed all day during day 18 trying not to ask J to confirm what I saw.  The more I obsessed the more I drank wine, trying to get rid of it that evening.  When I came home, and he was already drinking whiskey (one of the contributors to the affair), I thought "to hell with it... I'll drink too" even though I know it is a bad choice.  I really only meant to drink 2 (that is okay), but I went to 3 (too many).  So... by the time I couldn't fight the questions back down, I was drunk.  The questions piss him off anyway, so when you add drunkenness to it, he answered but scolded me for drinking.  I get it; ...

 The 2nd week was MUCH HARDER .  God allowed some of the numbness to wear off, and man did it hurt!!!!!  The questions this week center on specifics and images I see.  J seems irritated that I need to ask these questions.  He thinks all it can do is hurt me worse, and it does HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!! But... he doesn't know what the imagining and scene-playing in my head do to me, too.  YES... the confirmation of how accurate my imagination is (duh... due to 25 yrs of experience with J) sends me spiraling every time, but I can't sew up the wound without digging out all the shrapnel.  I will just pay for it with my life later when it festers and kills me completely.  This happened to a smaller extent with the B experience.  The 2nd week also brought clove cigarettes to help lower the stress and give a tiny head buzz that kills some of the obsession. I still am just continuing to breathe and take one day at a time.  I'm disappointed in my inst...

 Day three brought the 2 Timothy tattoo I had been considering for years because: I need to see those words constantly and I wanted something other than my heart to hurt. I went straight from the tattoo shop to the board attorney's office to meet J and the board.  I was hopeful that they would find a way to let J finish, so we didn't have to add financial instability to our list of issues.  I felt bad for them as they tearfully asked for J's resignation then prayed over us.  J expected this to be the only option; I, however, felt it as another unexpected blow.  We had our 1st counseling session, and it seemed helpful. Day 4- J had to give his resignation by 5:00.  I went to school and gave the kids a good day of learning while J met individually with all supervisors and explained honestly why he needed to resign. Miss thing (affair ho) wasn't able to drag her ass to work, poor baby.  I was still numb and just wanted to support him.  Thankful for t...