Day 61 (3/18/20). Rage Against the Dark

 Journal entry:

Two months have gone by since life apocalypse. I think I have healed quite a bit, but J is frustrated and dissatisfied w/ our progress.  This shit has been a classic mid-life crisis affair, watch porn, have sex with an employee, lose your freaking mind... The only difference from the "average" mid-life affair is that, apparently, he really never developed feelings for her, even though his words and actions obviously made her think he did.  Maybe I'm no different.  This makes me question him as a person and wonder if all he ever does is go through the motions with me, too.  I am struggling with anger right now.  I want to hurt/ destroy CM in every way possible, physically and mentally.  I know that isn't right, and I am turning to the Bible to try and keep the fruits of the spirit, rather than the sin of my flesh.  The need for revenge is huge right now.  It would be easy to get revenge against J by just having sex with someone else, but I don't want revenge against him right now, and I sure as hell don't even want to make eye contact with another fucking man.

My desire to act on anger is solely directed at Cayce right now.  She started this, and she has lost the least!  I want her hurt!  The Bible says that He will avenge his people in due time if we don't take it into our own hands, but trust and place faith in Him.  I am focusing on that for now.  

I recognize I am a loaded gun with the safety off.

I finally asked J what things I think are "disrespectful" he did with her, and it wasn't as bad as I thought.  It was just going at her with no feeling or real connection (supposedly).  It wasn't the very graphic things I was envisioning. However, I should probably clarify eery little thing I might think is disrespectful to get the full truth. If not, he "spares my feelings" by leaving things out that I will end up asking later.  I am concerned about STDs.  I really doubt that J is her first affair; there is no telling who she has had sex with, based upon her behavior w/ J.  How could he have just given her access to both of our bodies with no concern for his or MY health???  Just another example of having no respect for me and feeling like he is immune to the consequences others face.

Things I love about him anyway: his smile, his sense of humor, his voice, his hands (especially on me), his eyes, his body, the way he makes love with me, his cooking, his face, his heart, his lips, the way he protects me, the way he intertwines with me and cuddles, his intelligence, his kindness, his creativity, his sensitivity.

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