Background

 Background info:  

My husband and I married on November 25, 1994 after dating 7 months.  We had been close friends for a couple of years prior to dating and shared many interests, attitudes, and beliefs. We laughed like crazy as friends and loved adventuring together as a couple; we had many close friends that we spent time and traveled with. In 2019, we had almost finished raising our three kids (at the time 24, 20, & 17), and I thought we were looking forward to all the dreams and plans we had concocted over the years.  Anyone who knew us, closely or distantly, would say we were a very happy, connected couple, always holding hands or touching like magnets.  It was rare to go a day without "good morning" sex, we both still rushed to get home to each other and placed the other one as a priority in the evenings and on weekends.  We spent all of our time outside of work together, and enjoyed each other's company.  He was my best friend and vice versa, we sent each other loving texts throughout the day and performed thoughtful gestures for each other at home most days.

My entire world (truly) and sense of reality came crashing down on me, for lack of a better overused catch phrase, January 18, 2020.  We were having a perfectly laid back morning relaxing in our comfy home we had raised our kids in, situated in a sweet little valley surrounded by the beautiful hills & mountains of Tennessee.  J went upstairs briefly from being curled up on the couch sipping coffee and making plans for the day together and didn't come back down for an abnormally long time.  I assumed he had received a work email/ text/ whatever (his contract stated that he be on call to his board 24/7).  When he came back downstairs, he took my coffee cup out of my hand and scooted the ottoman back with a very serious look in his eye.  This is where my Pollyana attitude gets ridiculous, even for me... 

The backstory is that he did a really crappy job "proposing" to me in 1994 and has said that he will do it better when I least expect it, so...

I am thinking, "No way... I would have put a bra on for this, maybe even some makeup."  It becomes apparent really quickly that this necessary conversation is DEFINITELY NOT going to be pleasant.  My mind starts trying to come up with what could have him so upset after sharing everything with me (ha) nearly 26 years.  He has a history of doing stupid stuff I've asked him not to do or haven't known about with money, so I'm thinking, "Oh, shit... what has he cost us?"  

The tremor in his hands and voice tell me it is worse than that, so my head spins to a thought that maybe he did something really bad financially at work and may lose his job and integrity; he held a high and public position.  I can't imagine that he would purposely do anything illegal professionally, but I wonder if he tried to push the boundaries too far in the name of doing what is best for those he served and screwed up.

Then came the words that I never dreamed I would hear... EVER and couldn't comprehend.  With commentary about how hard this was and how sorry he was, he says a version of-

For the last three months, I've been having an affair... 

(insert room spinning, mind numb, inability to comprehend words, or feel limbs, wait... what?????)

I'll now share what I wrote about day 1 in my journal that I started 3 weeks later...

Day 1 brought complete shock and utter devastation, despair, and sadness before God provided me with a numbness.  I couldn't believe it really happened.  How did I not see anything was wrong??? How could he have sex with me in the morning and then plan a rendezvous including sex at lunch?  How did he bring another woman into OUR house, past pictures of our family; including one with her son in it, taker her clothes off, and make love to her on OUR new bed [delivered November 2nd]???  How? How?? How? It can't be real... surely this didn't really happen.  If he needed to have sex with someone other than me, why would he be foolish enough to choose someone who worked in his same building? WTH!!??!!  He shared that all it took was her coming into his office and saying she found him attractive and had strong feelings for him then acting like she needed comforted that she shared that.  Seriously?? What a ridiculously overused trick!!  We met with Pastor B, and J met with [his deputy director] and [board chair].  Main takeaway from these first couple of days was that our 25 year marriage was so fragile & worth so little that this one action was all it took to destroy it.  How did I not realize this?

Who was she you ask?  The building receptionist... seriously.  I couldn't believe it when he answered that question for me-  not attractive, not smart, not funny, not gregarious, or charismatic... VERY plain.  Not someone you would ever notice in a room.  I also knew that when she had to be transferred to his building due to a personal issue of hers that he considered her to be flaky and ridiculous.  WTH??!!???  She was simply someone who expressed her admiration for him and willingness... geez.

And so, friends... that is the story of how he resigned his job, I ended up resigning my job (same employment as her and her husband), he had to take my car for his new job, we had to get rid of our house he violated with her, we moved away from our friends, got rid of all but 2 pets (we had 5), including having to put down my old collie who couldn't handle the move, we changed insurance three times in 5 months, and we had to leave our beloved hometown because it was too painful to keep trying to avoid all the places they met up so they wouldn't get caught.

I plan to share my journal entries with you to help you feel understood and a connection with someone who has also struggled like you are.  You need to understand that I made the choice to work through this and rely on God to fulfill His promises with our marriage... if you can't support that, I don't need or want to hear from you.  Part of healing is also being madder at her than I was at him for a while, and I don't need to hear your opinion about that, either.  Trust me, it is impossible not to eventually get as mad at him and let yourself experience the pain of exactly how duplicitous your greatest love has been.  So far, it has been INCREDIBLY more difficult than I ever imagined, and that is why I am starting this blog.  I find it hard to locate real people who get it and have the ability to inspire me to keep going.