2nd week post apocalypse

 The 2nd week was MUCH HARDER.  God allowed some of the numbness to wear off, and man did it hurt!!!!!  The questions this week center on specifics and images I see.  J seems irritated that I need to ask these questions.  He thinks all it can do is hurt me worse, and it does HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!! But... he doesn't know what the imagining and scene-playing in my head do to me, too.  YES... the confirmation of how accurate my imagination is (duh... due to 25 yrs of experience with J) sends me spiraling every time, but I can't sew up the wound without digging out all the shrapnel.  I will just pay for it with my life later when it festers and kills me completely.  This happened to a smaller extent with the B experience.  The 2nd week also brought clove cigarettes to help lower the stress and give a tiny head buzz that kills some of the obsession. I still am just continuing to breathe and take one day at a time.  I'm disappointed in my instability and feel completely lost.  J is fixing cars and pursuing job opportunities.  Our 2nd counseling session was not effective for me; it seemed to serve the counselor more than us.  

Our friends are amazing, and we feel lifted up through their earnest prayers.  Some days I feel like we are going to come out of this better than ever and going to come out of this better than ever and some days I think there is no way I will ever be a good wife again (if I ever was). Each day, I am still thankful to come home to J, even when just looking at him is painful.  He is still my person, my greatest love, my everything; I can't imagine living without him, but I also can't imagine being whole again.  I think this is the week that God told me to pray aloud for Cayce.  I really don't want to pray for her, but I believe one of the lessons I am to learn is complete obedience to God.