Days 18 , 19, & 20 post-apocalypse ( AKA HELL)

 DAY 18-

I didn't take Lunesta last night.  We had experienced a great couple of days, and I thought I would be able to sleep cozied up with J.  Geez... couldn't fall asleep until 3:30 am and then had a nightmare 1st (about Valentines Day) followed by VERY distinct accurate pictures and clips of J and Cayce's actions and conversations.  I obsessed all day during day 18 trying not to ask J to confirm what I saw.  The more I obsessed the more I drank wine, trying to get rid of it that evening.  When I came home, and he was already drinking whiskey (one of the contributors to the affair), I thought "to hell with it... I'll drink too" even though I know it is a bad choice.  I really only meant to drink 2 (that is okay), but I went to 3 (too many).  So... by the time I couldn't fight the questions back down, I was drunk.  The questions piss him off anyway, so when you add drunkenness to it, he answered but scolded me for drinking.  I get it; I've wanted him to lay off the whiskey for a long time.  He really didn't understand that the questions were not brought on by the wine; I had been fighting them since I woke up that morning.  The images were haunting and poisoning me.  I feel like I'm dying a slow death from being poisoned, and I can't stop picturing hime with her instead of me. How could he treat someone like he does me so easily????

Day 19-

Day 19 was AWEFUL!!  I experienced new emotions that disgust me.  Obsession... yuck!!  Who is this person inside me?? I was sick @ my stomach and anxious as hell all morning because J was at a location he doesn't usually go to from 8:30-11:30am.  I din't know with whom or why.  I couldn't focus on my classroom @ all... I kept watching J on the shared location compulsively and could NOT stop.  WTH???!!??  So now I'm sad, lost, and a creepy stalker with OCD AND anxiety?? Mother Trucker!!!!  Bullshit!!  When J finished, he sent me a message that he had been meeting with a dear friend of both of us, and I am thankful for her love for and influence on him.  In my head, I knew he wasn't doing anything sketchy, but the ridiculous unreasonable anxiety absolutely attacked my body and exhausted my mind.  I've never been so glad to get home to him in my life.


Day 20: Rain/ sick day off from work.  I started the day feeling very marginalized and like I was irritating J.  Despite saying I am the most important thing, he is back to spending copious amounts of time on his phone and computer, and I have now developed a new crazy-girlfriend-like bad feeling about his freaking phone.  Holy Hannah!!??@!  I am NUTS!!!  Who is this?  I'm dying to go through his pone, even thought I don't actually expect there to be anything bad.  I think it is because he is back to keeping i on silent, looking at it in a way that shields it from my eyes, and immediately placing it upside down again.  I absolutely DO NOT want to treat him like a scolded child, and / or ask to go though it but I believe this is legit OCD... FUCK!!!  Like I need to add that my list of shitty characteristics.  Wait... if I'm being treated for depression and OCD, is it okay if I walk into my boss's office and stike up an affair??? Bleck... yck... gross.  But- oddly enough I seem to be turning into Cayce; will that make me more attractive to J/ If I am weak and unstable, is taht part of the appeal?  I legit need help now...

Questions I have at the end of day 20 (February 6th, Grandmother's birthday)

  1. How could J have meant anything he communicated to me and done this so quickly, easily, and repeatedly?
  2. Did he have to take Viagra to get it up for her?  Did he take it at a certain time for their planned trysts?
  3. How did he demonstrate feelings for her if he REALLY didn't have them?
  4. What all did he share with her in conversation?
  5. What does he need from me that he wasn't getting?

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