Days 21 & 22 post apocalypse (February 7th & 8th 2020)

 Today started out with a much-needed honest conversation with J about how I feel and what I need.  Thankfully, he listened earnestly and provided much-needed support.  He finally read over my notes/ annotations in the healing book from Cindy Beall, and something about that brought me peace and a feeling that he does care.  He wasn't surprised by anything he read.  This simple act helped support his words with action, and we had a beautiful rest of the day absorbing all we could get of each other.  I finally had enough energy and motivation to begin really cleaning the house since before the apocalypse.  As we end the day thanking God in prayer, I feel so VERY hopeful that we will not just remain together, but become so much stronger as a couple.   I know that nighttime brings so much pain and angst as I try to sleep, but my feeling right now is huge contentment and gratitude for today's gift of drinking in J's face and hands, making love throughout the day, and just sharing a renewing connection.  I pray that I fall asleep quickly before the pain of losing my soft place to fall appears.  I find myself wondering how badly he must have wanted her to bring her in our house and steal the comfort our home provided. As we lay down together, I am thankful for his soft kisses on my forehead and the ability to hold onto him.  Thank you, Heavenly Father.

Day 22 (Vikki's Bday- my best friend from 1984- she died in 2000) Today brought healing and honesty.  I was able to share my questions with J.  He answered them honestly without becoming defensive.  This huge for me.  I also contemplated how self-centered I had been in these 3 weeks and realized I need o help J heal as much as he needs to help me.  It is cleansing to meet him so raw and honestly.  God has let me know that His plan includes J and me staying together and rebuilding an even better version of our life together.  I believe with His strength and J's patience, I can still be a good wife and partner to J.  I still can't comprehend how it happened, but I can believe that J loves me.  He looks at me like he loves me, he touches me like he loves me, and he expresses emotions like he loves me.  I could look at him today and just see my love, without envisioning someone else taking him in like that.  This is a huge step forward.  He is so sad, disappointed, and confused, himself.  I think we can keep each other steady while we move forward.  I thank God for this, and I hope that J can also step into his role as a father through that same strength and grace of God.

New Questions:

1. You say she pursued you more aggressively than anyone ever has before. What did that look/ sound like?
2. Were you communicating via text while we were out and gone during Christmas break?  Any phone calls?
3. Did you only hook up and lunch or were there other times?
4. Whose idea was it to meet at Dollar General?
5. What started it moving toward getting physical?  How much did you instigate?
6. When did you first feel an attraction back?  When did you express that to her?
7. Did she tell you she was in love with you?
8. How did you come back and act normal at the office?  Did you fake greet each other, like you hadn't spent lunch together?
9. Did you lead her to believe you were also unhappy @ home like her?  Did you ever communicate that you loved your wife?  I know you told her that you wouldn't leave, but did she think it was just out of obligation (duty)?
10. Do you miss the sex with someone else?
11. Walk me through her communications with you the morning you had to tell me?
12. Did you feel like she understood you better than I do?  That she respected you more than I dow?  Was she a better listener?