Day 289 Post- Life Apocolypse: "Hanging by a Thread?"

 I decided to start my first blog post with my current journal entry (~9 months post-affair revelation and about 1 year from the start of my husband's affair). Then I will go back and share my past journal entries as I have time.

If you are like me, you are currently scouring the internet to find literally anyone else's experience with infidelity as you try and make sense of your own recent trauma.  This is even harder if you refuse to just pack yourself or your husband up and end things. I suggest you read my background page, if you can take all the TMI, so that these blog posts make more sense to you.  

I feel like I also need to say every time that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all to me... I am committed to being raw, authentic, and as entirely stupid as I want to be; you don't have to read this.

Saturday, 10/31/20

Had a great week, overall.  Got to see my [former work] people Wednesday when I went home- scratch that, to [former town] (no longer home)- felt so good to spend time somewhere I am loved and valued. R cried when I surprised her; I miss her and our co-dependent awesomeness every day.  Hung around after my dr. appointment and got to see S [our son] before having drinks with T and S (couple of my besties).  He seems to be doing well, and I LOVED getting a hug from him.  So, so, soooooo good to spend time with TB and SW... I REALLY miss my girlfriends....

Friday, I started struggling again and was hit with a wave of picturing J with CM [husband's sex partner].  All the same old thoughts and questions started attacking me.  They started on my way to work and didn't let up. The drive home only got worse.  I had to turn off my music because EVERY stupid song was making it worse.  I believe the drive (& especially listening to music) does that.  I guess I can add something else to the list of gifts taken by CM and the affair- MUSIC.  That's another hard one. I think in songs and music, but I apparently can't handle it right now.  

I clearly didn't just walk in and share my struggle with J because as much as I want to share the small stuff before it is big stuff, I also don't see a positive effect from dragging him down with me and effectively "rubbing his nose in it." He can't go back and fix it.  I have to just, literally, give it to God and let Him heal me.  I don't remember how it started, but J said something that pushed me over the invisible edge he didn't know I was on, and I did more damage.  I lose my shit and don't care at the time; just fall into this huge black hole of sadness, anger, and surrender.  he talks me back into life when, I Just want to run away and disappear.  I'm still so very hurt and SOOOO confused.

This morning, our couples' devotion was about hanging on by a thread... ha.  This inspired me to reflect on the thought that we are not hanging on by a thread in my mind. We are firmly tied together with an apparent fire-proof rope that I do sometimes consider cutting (out of pain and fear). My problem is just the opposite of "hanging by a thread."  I didn't believe we were hanging by a thread a year ago; I thought we had a great marriage, friendship, love, sex, etc., and I was obviously blind- and wrong.  However, I still feel the same about J (devoted, safe, in love, attracted, connected) and the words of Ricky Bobby, "that don't make no damn sense." It is so unsettling and confusing to still not see or feel anything different, knowing that a year ago, I was skipping through life with such a false sense of security and reality.  I know Jesus can handle this; it is just REALLY hard to put it in His hands ALWAYS, without fail.

I prayed for J, and specifically his work situation, EVERY DAY before this.  I prayed for God to shape me into a better wife for J EVERY DAY!!  I thought all the love songs in the world were about us because our love was so epic and what everyone wished for.  Now, I can't stand to hear them; they absolutely cut my heart into fresh pieces.  

I can sometimes quiet the funhouse-like thoughts and images of J and Cayce (and my ignorance), but sometimes they jump back out at me like one of those creepy clowns in the metal box. It's like ocean waves... you are standing there enjoying life in small waves and mostly gentle waters and... BAM!!!!  A huge wave comes over your head and knocks you off your feet.  It carries you away for a bit until you can get your feet back under you and stand back up.  Sometimes it carries you far enough, you have to work hard to keep your head above water and get back to where you can touch again.  The thing is... I still fight to get back, and those waves are way further apart than 9 months ago.  I'm not "holding on by a thread;" I just sometimes hurt ridiculously intensely because our relationship still feels so good and, in fact, never felt bad.

SCARY!- much scarier than Halloween.