November 25, 2020- Our 26th Anniversary

Today is day 313 post- life apocalypse and our first wedding anniversary post-infidelity (#26).

I'm not sure how I feel; I keep waffling back and forth from being thankful to make it through the last 10 months together and feeling sick that I was so ignorant of what was going on a year ago when I was way too proud of our 25th anniversary.  Below is my Facebook post from this day last year.

             


Maybe this is completely ridiculous, but I still feel that way. We are still best friends, and this year has brought nothing if not relying on and yielding to God.  Clearly, I am still wielding my forgiveness super power, also.  

Many times in the last 10 months, he has needed to dig down and bring me back from the brink of complete despondency.  I have wanted to die during this past year because I'm a baby who never expected to experience this soul-rocking, devastating event in our marriage. Our marriage was the one thing I didn't question. I thought we were completely solid, so it was like having a trap door opened up that I had no idea was there.  It has taken a long time to stop falling and start climbing back up to the floor (yes... the floor).

We chose to do a weekend-long marriage vision retreat this past weekend to make goals and devise plans to not only heal, but redevelop a purpose-driven marriage for this next year.  I understand that I will still struggle at times with picturing him with her and just the general disappointment in knowing he wasn't faithful, but it feels like we are finally back on a solid floor, rather than falling.  From here, we can spend the next 35 years moving forward and being more connected with God and each other than ever.  I am thankful. ❤️🙏🏻 We also both hope to serve others by sharing our testimony and encouraging others.

Happy Thanksgiving, and I think I can say happy anniversary to us!



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 27 (February 13th) Uncomfortably Not Numb Anymore (Onset of Anger- Round 1)

 So... if you are in the midst of your first month post-affair knowledge, you are probably super sad, but also.. still numb and foggy.  I am sharing this journal entry because it shows the beginnings of emerging from that state and entering the state of being completely jacked up and raw. I am looking back on this nearly a year later,  and you can take comfort in the fact that I am SO MUCH BETTER now!  In fact, I'm planning on posting an Apocalypsiversary post later today. Holy shit!  I had to go to the office today for a meeting and wanted to lock eyes with CM so badly (She is finally back at work🙄)!!  I wasn't sure if I could control myself, but I didn't care... at all.  I don't care much at all anymore about my reputation or safety or what's right anymore.  Fuck it.. all! Seriously.  I found out this morning that she's been talking shit at the office to anyone that will listen.  I really want to kick her ass now.  She doesn't th...
Read more

The rest of first week Post-Apocalypse

 Day three brought the 2 Timothy tattoo I had been considering for years because: I need to see those words constantly and I wanted something other than my heart to hurt. I went straight from the tattoo shop to the board attorney's office to meet J and the board.  I was hopeful that they would find a way to let J finish, so we didn't have to add financial instability to our list of issues.  I felt bad for them as they tearfully asked for J's resignation then prayed over us.  J expected this to be the only option; I, however, felt it as another unexpected blow.  We had our 1st counseling session, and it seemed helpful. Day 4- J had to give his resignation by 5:00.  I went to school and gave the kids a good day of learning while J met individually with all supervisors and explained honestly why he needed to resign. Miss thing (affair ho) wasn't able to drag her ass to work, poor baby.  I was still numb and just wanted to support him.  Thankful for t...
Read more

Day 61 (3/18/20). Rage Against the Dark

 Journal entry: Two months have gone by since life apocalypse. I think I have healed quite a bit, but J is frustrated and dissatisfied w/ our progress.  This shit has been a classic mid-life crisis affair, watch porn, have sex with an employee, lose your freaking mind... The only difference from the "average" mid-life affair is that, apparently, he really never developed feelings for her, even though his words and actions obviously made her think he did.  Maybe I'm no different.  This makes me question him as a person and wonder if all he ever does is go through the motions with me, too.  I am struggling with anger right now.  I want to hurt/ destroy CM in every way possible, physically and mentally.  I know that isn't right, and I am turning to the Bible to try and keep the fruits of the spirit, rather than the sin of my flesh.  The need for revenge is huge right now.  It would be easy to get revenge against J by just having sex with someone...
Read more