Apocalypsiversary (Day 367) 1/18/21

 We made it!  

I was so dreading this day- afraid I would relive that awful, shocking, earth-shattering day- but that wasn't how it went at all.

We took a long weekend trip to the beach and just relaxed together and reclaimed these dates for our marriage.  We went to The Melting Pot in Destin, and it was as great as any anniversary.  

I was afraid the 16th (and my daddy's birthday) would drag me back to thinking about being their last time together this year and forever, but I'm OK!! :) I did think of it some, but not graphically or obsessively.  I just enjoyed the weekend with my husband and appreciate our blessings.  I think he appreciates our life together more than ever, too.  The more I read about the mid-life crisis thing, the more spot-on it seems.  It doesn't make it okay, but id does make it somewhat easier to understand and have hope that it won't happen again.  Questioning my sense of reality and his nature obsessively was killing me (or at least making me nuts).  Do I still have some fear that he is just a narcissist love-bombing me until he things he has me under control again and needs more stimulation? Yes... a little.  I pray that it was just a temporary loss of sanity, and we are who I've always thought we were.  That security is hard to recover, and I can't help but keep my guard up a little.  Still... I let them down recently way more than I could for a long time.

This is more like new start than a recovery of something lost.  I understand that now.  We were counseled and read that countless times, but it finally is clear.  We have a deep friendship and knowledge of each other from the past 26 years, but the obliteration of all that was destroyed also opened up an opportunity for a new, more raw and vulnerable connection with less held back.  There isn't the same fear of rocking the boat.  The boat has been overturned, blown up with a missile, sunk, and scattered across the ocean floor already.  There is nothing left to lose, BUT we managed to hold on the the most precious treasure chest, and we are building a new, more secure boat.

Happy Apocalypsiversary!!

And thank you, God!



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