Apocalypsiversary #2

 Today marks two years since my husband's affair disclosure (aka life apocalypse)...

In this second year, I've learned quite a bit about trying to bring my mind and body back to healthier functioning.  It's become less about Jerry and more about me and my choices.  In this year post-apocalypse, we have moved another two times, I've started a 2nd new job in a year, and I started my masters degree. We began seeing a counselor again, which has pushed us into and through some of the overlooked feelings. I still haven't spoken to HER, but I still think about wanting to every day- that hasn't subsided, even though thinking of them together has gotten much less frequent. Literally, everyone and everything I've read says don't do it, so I ask God daily for that self-discipline.

I still don't trust myself much of the time, but I'm not in as much pain.  I still question everything about the affair and our life together (before and after) constantly. I still lack understanding.

These last few months have been about really mourning all the accompanying losses in addition to the man I thought I married and the happy marriage I never doubted (home, jobs, community, proximity to kids, pets, friends...), so I am not as sad on this particular anniversary.

I gave back my 3-stone ring because I realized how sad it made me to constantly see that empty promise on display.  Shedding the visual reminder of a fake promise felt good. I would shed the eternity band, too, but:

1. It's really tight. (40 lb weight gain because I eat and drink my feelings)
2. I don't want to appear single.

I'm less angry, even at the other woman. I haven't forgiven her, but I'm not as angry. I'm not sure how I would react if I saw her. She purposely set out to end our marriage because she found my husband attractive and was unhappy in her own marriage. According to him, he had never even noticed her before that, other than she had surprised him by being a good employee (insert ALL the jokes) when he had expected her to be flaky upon being transferred.

My hopes for this next year of healing are:

• stability (NO MORE CHANGES)- except, unfortunately, my current grant-funded job will end, and I will have to pound the pavement again-- ugghhhh
• more peace (with our without understanding)
• new friendships
• more trust in myself
• more trust in God
• forgiveness of CM (other woman)